Growing up is hard. I use to think that growing up was just a phase in life that started when someone was first born and ended once someone turned eighteen years old because when someone turns eighteen, they're legally declared as an adult. But, I've come to realize that growing up doesn't stop once you turn eighteen, it continues and it most likely will continue until someone passes away.
There always is a new phase or lesson for someone to learn, forcing them to grow up more. That can be from learning how to tie your shoes by yourself or learning how to cook for yourself in college. Some phases/lessons seem to be easier than others.
Right now, I'm going through the growing up phase of discovering that there are certain topics that I was brought up believing one thing about the topic and now that I'm out on my own, I believe another. This is really hard for me because it makes me feel like I have a split personality disorder. A part of me is against something, while another part of me is for something. It's not fun.
The biggest thing that I seem to be having an ever internal debate about is spanking and whether or not it's okay. Growing up, I was taught that you should never hit, smack, or punch someone unless they were going to harm you and that a man should
NEVER hit, smack, or punch a woman. Even now the thought has me shaking my head no.
I believed this up until I read my first BDSM book and then I was like, Hey! That guy smacking that girl's bottom is hot! The first BDSM book I read was very light and hardly had any D/s content in it. So, I really didn't have a problem with it.
Then the second BDSM book I read was a dark one and I still remember my stomach clenching because the Dom in the story was really lighting in to sub's backside for a punishment. A part of me was turned on because who doesn't love a Dom taking control of his submissive, while another part of me was remembering all the times that my parents told me to never hit someone.
I finished the book, still feeling so many mixed emotions. The worst part was I couldn't talk to anyone about it! So, I told myself that I would never read another BDSM book again because I never wanted to feel like how I did...so naturally I waited a couple of days and then my curiosity got the best of me and I bought another BDSM book to read.
I continued this way for months reading a couple of books and then telling myself that I would never buy a BDSM book again and then a couple days later, buying more. It wasn't fun. I kept doing this because even though a part of me thought that what I was reading was wrong, another part of me was so drawn to these stories. It also didn't help that I felt so isolated at the time. I would look around at my friends and just think, they're all normal. They don't like this stuff. Why did I have to like this stuff? It really wasn't a fun time for me.
To add even more confusion and stomach clenching to the mix, I discovered the AP genre. That made the situation a lot worse because not only was there spanking that I liked in it, but I really liked the idea of reading about a person acting little, except all of the AP books I was reading were non-consensual stories which I definitely am against. I thought that my head was going to explode, until I found my first consensual age play book,
Being Their Baby. I will never forget the moment when I began reading that book and I was like the little is actually consenting to all of this! I LOVE IT!
Finally, after a lot of thought, I was able to come to the conclusion that what happens in these books were fiction and thus not real so the characters weren't actually hurting each other. Therefore, I wasn't agreeing that a man smacking a woman's bottom was neither wrong, nor right. I know it sounds crazy, but it make the nauseous feeling go away so it worked for me.
After coming to that conclusion, I decided that I wanted to start writing my own books. During this time, there were few consensual AP books out there. I wanted to show that a couple could have an AP relationship and have it be consensual and still enjoyable. Also, even though I had an internal debate going on every time that I read a spanking scene, I did like them and thought that maybe writing some and being able to control the situation would help me accept that it was okay to like them.
I finally thought that I was over this specific growing up phase and I could move on, but then I discovered a couple of spanking photos and videos and the stomach clenching was back in full force multiplied by ten.
It's one thing to read a book and know that it's fiction, it's another to see an actual spanking. All the times that my parents told me to never hit my sisters or someone else came back to me and that intimate acts like what I was seeing should be done behind closed doors and should stay there and not be talked about. Yet a part of me was like this is hot and I want to write about this!!
I told myself that I would never view any more spanking photos or videos again. For the most part, I kept true to that. I really hate feeling sick. Then a spanking video popped up on my FB newsfeed and it was for a good cause and I'm a sucker for a good cause. So I clicked it, also wanting to see if I could get through watching a video after a few months had passed since I discovered the first spanking visuals.
I actually did get through it! There were moments when my hands were covering my eyes and I was peeking through the cracks (the spankee was getting 50 strokes with a cane!), but I watched it through and then the sweetest thing happened. The spanker snuggled the spankee close and my heart melted a little. I suddenly felt really happy that I made it to the end of the video and crazy enough, the nauseous feeling went away.
Still, inside my head a war was going on because a part of me found the video hot and also super sweet, while another part of me just kept thinking that a man smacking a woman is wrong because that's what I was taught my entire life. (For the record, I know that it's not and I'm not saying that it was. It was all consensual.)
I'm still having a really hard time with this phase of growing up. How does one erase the beliefs that they were taught all their life? I know that I'm an adult and can make my own decisions and believe what I want to believe, but for the first 19 years when you believe one thing, it's really hard to change your beliefs.
As a result, I haven't viewed any other spanking videos. I know that watching them would probably help me with writing my spanking scenes and possibly make me get over this, but I really don't like feeling sick and I do not want to sift through videos trying to find good ones. I'm not sure if my stomach could take it.
I know that there are a lot more growing up phases that I'll have to go through, but I hope that some if not all of them are easier than this one. I'm tired of debating in my head whether or not what I like is right or wrong. Every time that I think that I've come to a decision, I'll read a post about someone who makes spanking videos or see another spanking photo and the debate inside my head and nauseous feeling comes back.
It's really annoying because as long as a everything is consensual, I say full steam ahead and I have met a couple of spanking models and people who enjoy going to spanking parties in real life and they're awesome. I don't want to name names in case people don't want to be named, but seriously, they rock.
I just want to scream at my brain, "They're okay with this. Why can't you be?" Then I hear my Mother's voice telling me that hitting someone is bad and not to ever do it. Then I feel guilty for liking something that I was taught was bad. Then the nauseous feeling comes back and all I want to do is curl up in bed with a stuffed animal and pretend like none of this exists.
Writing spanking scenes helps because I get to control everything that happens and make it all sweet and fuzzy. Writing really is a great form of therapy. But, writing doesn't erase reality unfortunately. If it did, I think that I would write myself in to one of my stories and never come back.
Growing up is hard and it seems to be even harder for spanking authors...or for this spanking author at least. Hopefully the next growing up lesson I get to learn is why it's important to not put 1/4 cup baking soda in to the banana nut bread mixture. (It makes the bread SUPER salty and bitter. It was suppose to be 1/4 tsp...I misread the recipe. Opps! ;-) Well, looks like I learned that lesson already.)
