Monday, March 23, 2015

The Moment That I've Dreaded, Finally Arrived!

Hey Everyone!

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've done a blog post! School has been hectic. Only six weeks and four days left!!

My Mother is visiting me this week because she wanted to come down and see me and she's also going to be my patient. :-) I was all set to have an enjoyable week with her and we will have one, but yesterday morning, we had a little conversation that nearly gave me a panic attack. Read our conversation and you'll understand why...

I had just finished putting the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and go and sit back down at the table, where my Mom is finishing drinking her coffee.

Mom: "So, would it surprise you to know that I know your pen name and your publisher's name?"

Me: I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach, "What do you mean?"

Mom: "I know your pen name and your publisher's name. I had to sign on to your computer account at home and when I went to Facebook, your author email came up."

Me: "Okay. So that explains how you know my pen name, but how did you find out my publisher's name?" The sick feeling in my stomach started to get a lot stronger and it felt like my heart was beginning a race. I began to imagine my Mom going to SNP's website and seeing all the erotic books. I could only imagine what her expression must have been.

Mom: "No. I went to Amazon and looked up your books and saw your Publisher's name there."

Me: My stomach was really starting to hurt and it felt like my heart was ready to leap out of my chest. In the back of my head, I kept thinking that this must be how a panic attack felt. This was the moment that I had dreaded. So, I just sat there and nodded my head. My expression must have shown my panic because my Mother quickly clarified.

Mom: "Oh, I didn't read the blurbs or look anything else up. I just wanted to read all of the reviews. People really liked your stories."

Me: I still sat there, just nodding my head, waiting for the other shoe to drop. My heart still felt like it was trying to leap out of my chest.

Mom: "Meredith you know that I'm not a prude. I know that there's other stuff that people enjoy doing inside the bedroom besides what's in the Bible. If you're that ashamed of what you write, then maybe you shouldn't be writing it. Imagine if someone else found out."

Me: That knocked me out of my panic attack. "I..I'm not ashamed. I've told you before that I write kinky stuff. I just don't talk about it much or tell people because some people wouldn't approve of what I write and judge me because of it. I don't want to lose friends or have family members not talk to me just because they don't agree with what I write."

Mom: "I guess that's a smart idea. Dad probably wouldn't take this too well. What exactly do you mean by kinky? Like Fifty Shades of Grey stuff? I've never read those books, but I head that they're all about sex."

Me: "Yes. My books have BDSM scenes in them. I like writing about people getting tied up or using toys when they're in the bedroom." My hands were shaking under the table so bad when I said that.

Mom: "Well, I'm sure that other people are doing that too in the bedroom, but they're just too nervous to admit to it."

Me: "You're right. I'm sure that most of my friends that I would tell would be okay with my stories, but there would be some that wouldn't be and I don't want to be judged by what I write. That's why I didn't tell you what I wrote. I'm ready to get sick because I'm scared of what you think."

Mom: "I think it's fine. As long as everything that goes on in the bedroom is agreed upon and safe between two people and I don't have to see it or read about it, I'm okay with whatever people want to do."

Me: "Okay. That's good to know." Finally, my heart rate started to slow down, my stomach felt much better, and my hands stopped shaking.

Mom: "So, is that all that you write about in your books?"

Me: "No. I also sometimes write about domestic discipline relationships." My stomach started to hurt again.

Mom: "What's that?"

Me: "It's where there's a head of the household, who sets rules and the other person follows them. If the person doesn't, then they get punished with a spanking."

Mom: "So, the husband would spank the wife if she didn't do as he told her to?"

Me: "Yes. The husband and wife sit down and agree on a list of rules, and if the wife doesn't follow the rules, then she gets punished. The wife could also be the head of the household and the husband has to follow the rules. It depends on each relationship."

Mom: "Oh shit that would be bad. I could never do that." We both burst in to giggles at that. My Mom rarely swears and her face at my explanation was priceless. That helped break up more of the tension.

Me: Once we both settled down, I finished my explanation. "Yeah. Each couple is different, some like it, others don't. It's up to each couple."

Mom: "Do people really do this...spanking and stuff?"

Me: "Yeah. Heck, there are big spanking parties that people go to just to do this stuff for fun. If you want, I can show you some websites."

Mom: "No no. My heart can only take so much." I was so happy that she said that. I couldn't imagine showing my Mother those websites. My face would be redder than a ripe tomato.

Me: Since my Mom had found out about this much, I figured that it was time to put everything on the table. "That's okay. You should know then too, if you know my pen name if you haven't already figured it out, there are different types of BDSM like: medical play, age play, and others. My two books are about age play relationships."

Mom: "What's that?"

Me: "It's where one of the people in a relationship acts like the Mom and Dad and the other person gets to act a younger age. There's no real children involved or anything. It's just a way for people to relax."

Mom: "So, people act like children?"

Me: "Well, a person can regress to any age. That could be from a one year old to a twenty one year old if they wanted. It's up to the couple. My characters in my stories so far have regressed to young ages because when I found age play books, they made me sick because everything was forced. So, even though I wasn't in to some of the things I wrote about, especially in my first book, I wanted to show readers that if they wanted to do these activities like regress to an infant and wear diapers and drink from bottles, if done in a healthy relationship, it could be done in a way that both people in the relationship enjoyed."

Mom: "I see. And you're in to all of this stuff that you write about?"

Me: "Well, no. There is some stuff I like, but other stuff I don't like, yet I write about it because I know that other people like it and it would go good in my stories."

Mom: "Okay. You know again, I have no problem with what people decide to do behind closed doors as long as both people are okay with it and everything is safe."

Me: "I agree with you 100% know, just because you know this now and that I like different things than what you may, that doesn't change anything. I'm still your youngest daughter, who loves yellow, hates green beans, and loves Scooby Doo."

Mom: "Well yeah. I've known about this for months now Mer. As much as I hate to say this, you're an adult now and I can't do anything to stop you or your sisters in what you guys chose to do. All I can do is hope that what I taught you growing up will help you make the right choices. Like I said before too, I don't care what people do behind closed doors as long as they're both okay with it. I just don't want to see or hear about it."

Me: "Alright."

Mom: "I promise to never tell anyone what your pen name is, even if they hold a gun up to my head."

Me: "Well, in that case, if someone holds a gun up to your head, you can tell them my pen name."

Mom: I got the "Mom" look. "You know what I mean Meredith. I won't tell anyone."

Me: "Thank you."

That was the end of that conversation. I never in a million years thought that my Mother was going to take what I wrote this well. I love my Mom to death, but growing up, I could see that her and I had very different thoughts on certain topics, what happens in the bedroom being one of them.

I was all set for her to tell me to contact my publishers and ask for my books to be taken down on Amazon because what I wrote was wrong. The sad thing is, I would have done it. Would I have been happy about it? No, I would have been crushed, but my Mom's my Mom and if my stories upset her that much, I wouldn't have been able to leave them up. I was also ready to have long conversations with her about where she would tell me I'd be going after death.

Instead of all that happening, my Mother supported me. Granted, she promised to never ever read my books or tell a single soul about what I write, and made me promise to never tell my family or friends until after I graduate, but she didn't get angry or disown me, how I thought that she was going to do. To me, that's pretty awesome. I am so happy that my Mom supports me and now knows everything. I hate keeping secrets from her.

The big thing that I learned from all of this is I don't think I'm ever going to know how people are going to react to what I write. I thought that my Mom would strongly disapprove of my stories, but she didn't. So far, I've only told her and my best friend really about what I write. They both took it really well. My oldest sister knows that I write about kinky stuff, but she doesn't know the extent of it. I've been so lucky that they've all taken it so well.

I never thought that when I sat down after breakfast yesterday my Mom would reveal the news that she did, but again, I'm so glad that she did. Now that everything is said and done, I have to figure out a kick ass Mother's Day present for her because after this talk alone, she deserves one!


  1. Awwww, I'm so glad it went well for you!! I told my mom when she moved in with me for hospice. She kept making all these comments about how much time I spent on the computer, so I felt like I had to explain. I told her I wrote erotic romance and that was all her prudish heart could take. She didn't ask one single question after that! :P

    1. Renee that's how this also got brought on too! I had spent like an hour talking to Addy on the phone and when I came back in to my apartment, she was asking questions about who I was talking to and when I told her it was an author, that's when the conversation got started.

  2. That is so sweet. Your mom is wonderful.

    1. Yeah! I did not see this coming. I really thought that she would have disapproved of it.

  3. I'm so happy the way it turned out. I couldn't even imagine how you felt. Your mom is awesome

    1. Tina this was the closest that I've come and ever want to come to having a panic attack. I was so nervous, but I'm glad that she knows now.

  4. Very interesting. I can just imagine how you felt. I think I would feel that way if my daughter found out what I wrote. My mom, well she's on another plane, and I figure she knows but she surprised me a lot in life, so although your mom and mine seemed to have a lot in common, she'd probably feel the same as your mom.

    Nice that you were able to come clean.

    1. It feels great to have no secrets now. I'm sure that your Mom would feel the same way as mine. After all, their our mothers they should hopefully love us no matter what...even if we have different likes than they do. :-)

  5. Wonderful blog post, Mer, and I'm so glad your mother supported you, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with what you write. She's willing to let you make your own trail in life.

    1. Thanks Kathryn! Yes, I'm very lucky that my Mom is letting me do my own thing and I know that no matter what she'll always be there to help me if I need it. :-)

  6. I loved this. Glad your mom is being supportive, I knew she would be if you ever came out to your parents. I think you're dad will be supportive too, although he might give you one of those fatherly looks while he shakes his head. LOL
    This is a really cute post. ♥